Humans are biologically wired to connect. The calmer we are, the more open and ready we are to socially engage. The more stressed we are, the more primitive and anti-social we become. It’s just how our brains work.
The obvious reason we pretend and play dumb, is because rejection is terribly painful. To the most primitive parts of our brain (and our ego, of course), rejection is life-threatening business.
Will you actually die because someone in your family ignores you, stonewalls you, gaslight you, sh*t talks you, rejects you? No! Does it feel like you might die? Yes.
Why? The oldest part of your brain that responds to rejection is millions of years old. It’s the part of our brain we share with our cave-dwelling ancestors, when rejection from the clan out in the wild absolutely meant your demise.
So, why do we still respond to rejection as if it's life-threatening? Because survival brain (and a meridian called the Triple Warmer). That’s why we go into fight and flight and eventually, shutdown where we can pretend it's not happening.
Understanding that the brain 🧠 considers being shunned as a life-threatening dilemma, not only helps you make peace with the predictable nature of the autonomic nervous system, it means you can giving yourself the love and compassion you deserve to regulate for the fear and shock we all feel when we feel "pushed out".
For anyone who has experienced real or perceived abandonment in their life, especially as a child, the fear of being shunned is a chronic concern. Their nervous system radar is constantly on alert for cues of safety (non-rejection) from their environment. Those people are highly sensitive to feeling left out, not because they're 'over-reacting' but because the lack of inclusion threatens their sense of survival.
How often have you pretended a breakdown in relationship/family/support systems don’t even exist? Feigning, fawning, people-pleasing and appeasing is not a normal response to stress. It's an elevated stress response called Dorsal Vagal Shutdown where the brain tells the body to 'disappear' in order to survive the shock of being left out, shunned, rejected.
Brain: "Body, I'm sensing you're gonna be pushed out here. I don't care if it's actually happening, I go on what you feel about the situation. Your heart's beating really fast at the thought of that big family do on the weekend. So, I'm gonna do this thing where I make you all nice and tired, in fact, you'll feel numb, and even a bit spacey. I'm gonna just shut you up, so you be nice and quiet. Pretend, play nice, ok? Just do what you gotta do. You can come back out and be yourself when the threat is gone."
Me: "But....I'm not really gonna die... am I?"
Brain: "Shoosh. You don't have a choice."
Sound familiar? How many social events do you just “play dead” in? Where you’re not even sure if you’re present or not? Kinda left your body for the afternoon? That's shutdown.
You do realise you can't actually die if someone doesn't like you, or your family turn their back on you, right? You're just afraid (to death) of the feeling of rejection. The reason you pretend, is not because you're a dummy. It's because you're scared.
Know this:
We cannot control the automatic nature of our nervous systems but we can regulate for the feelings that come up to the point where what once triggered us, is a thing of the past.
Because of the body's automatic response to stress, it's predictable enough for you to plan (regulate!) for it.
You're not alone. This is universal to creatures with mammalian brains. Even your little dog shuts down at the sight of a bigger animal wanting to bite it, no? We all have survival programs and corresponding (addictive) stress hormones running in the background.
It takes practice and patience to understand your nervous system cues, and when you do, you'll gain enormous clarity and confidence to finally let go of the “support systems” that don't support you, but support your dysregulation.
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