Being able to hold space for a child (or anyone else) is a vital tool and usually, talking makes up most of that time. However, there’s very good reason that talking doesn’t (can't) work with a child that's having a panic attack, raging meltdown or just a good old fashioned tantrum: the survival brain is non-verbal.
When we are triggered, our survival brain activates neurotransmitters and hormones that create strong physical sensations in our bodies. We may feel anxious, angry and agitated, shameful and embarrassed. We could even freeze and not feel able to stand up for yourself.
To manage this, our thinking brain tries to suppress the bodily sensation and painful emotions. Before long, we are overwhelmed with monkey chatter and obsess about how to fix the issue.
Because our bodies hold on to our experiences, especially the negative ones, we inadvertently repeat the event with our chemical make-up as if it's happening in the present moment.
Our bodies react the same, go into the same or similar sympathetic rage and we often feel utterly drained from discussing the event.
Our brains and bodies don't know the difference between having an actual experience and just thinking about it. Neurochemically, it's acting the same.
When talking doesn't work, bottom-up regulation is a way to make the body feel safe first before we learn to regulate our stress responses. It works great for kids because it teaches them to become aware of sensations in their body (interoception) as they are as a way to calm the survival brain. Once calm, they can react with clarity to what is actually happening and not what they think may be happening.
The Vagus Nerve controls our parasympathetic response and 80% of our Vagus nerve runs from the body to the brain - so it only makes sense to use bottom-up tools as often as possible, and definitely in favour of trying to 'talk it out'.
Done regularly and in a safe environment, bottom-up tools can recalibrate the nervous system by calming the survival brain's stress responses.
Always remember - the survival brain is non-verbal so trying to out-talk and out-think your feelings may actually increase anger, shame and anxiety. The survival brain needs the body to escape pronto, not carefully consider and discuss how it may go about doing so. All human brains work like this. Kids are no different to us.
Here are some of my favourite tools… a great way to co-regulate with your child. Over time, you may find they will use these tools themselves.
When the body knows WHY, the HOW becomes easy... and a tool for life.
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