When we regulate for our bodies that suffer shock through loss, we can get to the Wisdom of our Hearts much faster.
When our beloved doggo Bruno died, the shock and disbelief was unimaginable. Our four children aged 12-25 were heartbroken and we banded together to stand with our little guy as a loving vet supported his transition into the other world.
When Bruno got sick, we all waited for a miracle. "Any minute now," we said. Yes, it was a fantasy.
For the human brain, when fantasies and delusions don't result in reality, the body becomes trapped living a nightmare. You know what it feels like waking up from a nightmare, right? The numbing fear, rapid breathing and heartbeat, sheer panic - Where am I!?. Unlike the relief that sets in after waking up, when in "real life" we don't address the nightmare, our body becomes caught up in the emotion-only Blended Autonomic Nervous System State of Shock.
Shock is the body's defense mechanism that says: "I will offer you enough Sympathetic boost to keep you alive, but I will numb and paralyse you with Dorsal Vagal energy so you don't actually lose your life."
It if weren't for The Restore Method tools, I am not entirely sure where our family would be at this point. I never imagined I could love an animal so much, and that he would leave such an enormous gap. The silence is deafening! Watching my husband, and our youngest child, shutting down with grief was almost too much to bear. I was actually relieved when I heard it's common to have it hit you harder than losing a family member.
I felt so whacked I even forgot the tools I spruik to my clients on a daily basis. That's what happens in our Survival Modes: We are only and all emotion. We can't even hear properly!
I woke up two days after he died and my body couldn't move off the bed. You know, that lead heaviness we can all relate to - and it doesn't even have to be a death that caused it. It can just be the thought of going to a job you absolutely hate, or knowing you are living a lie with someone you desperately want to leave!
The nerve that registers heartbreak is none other than the Vagus and it will use shutdown as a defense mechanism against the pain.
So, I did the top tool for Dorsal Vagal Shutdown: Get Cold.
I got into the pool. I sent our son to the shop for a bag of ice. This is why Ice Baths are brilliant tools for hopelessness and depression because it gives human bodies the sympathetic shock it needs to get up and get going.
Then, I tuned into my Return to Heart symbol, being Clarity. I followed the obvious next steps.
After that, things improved quickly.
"Sedate Triple Warmer, please."
"Here's a glass of water and chew on the ice."
"Let's go outside, let's swim. We have to move our bodies."
"What is your Heart Symbol? Ask it anything, it knows."
"Remember when Bruno... happy memories?"
"Let's make/bake/paint/plant something."
Repeat.
It's crazy to think these tools have worked as fast as it has... Our Autonomic Nervous System, Vagus Nerve and Brains are incredible machines and that magical Frontal Cortex is all about our thriving - so anything we can do to regulate for its optimal function is the way to go.
Within days, and our Wizard Brains online and doing the talking, we were able to communicate clearly and address the negatives of living in the Fantasy of "He will never die" or "He's not really sick."
I'll share with you here the positives of our Nightmare being "Bruno is gone."
"I won't be unrealistic when it comes to someone with a terminal or severe illness."
"Our friends came to the door with food, their stories, and their love."
"It's unfair to want him back so I can be happy. He was sick and deserves to be free."
"No one is responsible for my happiness. It just puts so much pressure on them."
"We only have to say goodbye to him, once."
"Going to the gym helped me feel better."
"He was sicker for longer than we were willing to accept."
"Bruno never resisted. In fact, when we cried, he came and he consoled us."
My favourite belongs to our 12-yo daughter:
"I can tune into my Yellow Umbrella and it reminds me Bruno is now protected by God."
Animals really do teach us the stark difference about Attachment and Love. As a family unit, we could go in and discuss the difference between our Survival States where all we want to do is cling on and claw back to the past, vs the calm, peaceful acceptance and allowance of our Ventral Vagal Thrival State where our Hearts/Awareness is Boss. The difference is dramatic, and life-changing. Together, we can remind each other to keep tuning into our Hearts and know that it is only Love that always sets us, and the other, free. Our bodies prefer to feel Love.
We just have to remember to start with supporting our biology with regulating a vessel that suffers with shock through loss.
I hope these tools help you, should you ever need them.
Tani
Ps: if you ever want to find out what your Ventral Vagal/Heart Symbol is, and how it can support you in times of stress and struggle, keep an eye on my Return to Heart workshops for 2024.
Sedating Triple Warmer is simple. Use it as often as you can.
Simple check for reverse breath (common in anxiety) and tools to correct it.
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