If we grew up in a home where there was chaos, unpredictability, or we became a ”parent to our parent”, our bodies learnt we were not safe. As children, we learnt to become hypervigilant to what other people were feeling in order to survive the situation or to create some sense of safety in our bodies.
Many of us have spent our childhood in hypervigilant (survival) mode, always having to protect ourselves or manage our parent figures, siblings, or another family member’s emotions. Walking on eggshells around authoritarian figures, living with domestic violence and unpredictability means we have to find a way to survive that environment. We often do it by people pleasing and appeasing and pretending that we are OK, just to survive what’s going on.
On a primal level, we are the prey escaping the predator and what better way to survive the threat to our survival than to appease the predator or to play dead?
In some homes, the mother was always concerned with public perceptions, what the neighbours thought, how everyone looked as a family, her weight, cars they drove, what the gardens looked like, which holidays they went on… the list goes on. To the child, the message is: What other people think is more important than what I think about myself.
We carry these fawning patterns into adulthood. Our focus is always outside of ourselves managing what people think about us or feel about us. We believe that if we could just please everyone we will be loved, validated, approved of, or chosen.
It is common especially in people who have been conditioned to be nice and to self- sacrifice.
How do you know you’re fawning?
· Your own happiness, fulfillment and your own needs don’t seem to matter to anyone else. External validation and approval come before everything else.
· You fear saying NO and setting boundaries.
· You feel resentful or taken advantage of in relationships or if you’re in a job, relationship or life situation that drains you or hurts you, you feel completely stuck.
· Long Fawners avoid difficult conversations and emotions and can blow up out of nowhere. You have patterns of over apologising and hate inconveniencing people.
If you recognise you’re a fawner, what can you do?
· Fawning can be tricky because you actually believe you are helping or keeping the peace and harmony. In truth, your nervous system has decided invisibility or being permanently available keeps you safe and from being abandoned or rejected.
· Boundaries make all the difference. Detailing exactly what you can or can’t do for other people isn’t selfish at all, but self-honouring.
· If you can reach a point where you set limits on your pleasing you gain more self-control. Being open about your desire not to do what others want, takes courage, but helps you break through the fear of being abandoned.
My favourite tool for people who tend to people-please is to say the following to themselves until they are brave to repeat it to others: Choosing for me doesn’t mean I choose against anyone else.
· Finally, release people and demands that box you in. Let go of people who think they know you better than you know yourself, who tell you who you are, and how you’re supposed to be. Trauma takes away choices, but setting firm boundaries can restore your personal power.
Comments